Firsts

I have a lot to do, so I’m abandoning it all to write.

When I started this blog, I promised myself it would be my way of being online in my own peace of it. Kind of like going for a walk or sitting in the park as my own version of “outside”.

Because my brain is used to writing online in my newsletter format, it’s been tricky just writing here without said format.

When I woke up today and saw 8:45am on my watch, nothing could have prepared me for the events of this day. I was tempted to write not to bore you with the details, but that’s precisely what this blog is for.

I did my typical morning things: turn on my swag, pray, journal, drink a ginger shot, and prep for the gym.

As I walked into the gym, I saw the guy I ghosted after the first date. I remembered quickly why it’s not good to shit where you eat. Thankfully, he got the message and saved us both the awkward interaction.

Gym was nice because it was upper body. I’m lifting less than I was 2months ago because of my travel break. I love traveling, but boy, does it cost me a lot. At the cable machine, I saw someone I thought was fine. Which is rare. I considered talking to him, but quickly took seeing the former gym date as a sign not to.

I had an interview today. First stage. I think first-stage interviews should be emails. I don’t think it’s the best use of our time to ask me questions, knowing fully well that as a recruiter, you don’t have the power. Admin questions can be answered over email, share my profile with the hiring manager, and then we can move from there. Anyway, what do I know, I’m but a mere applicant.

I got a rejection as well. I don’t cry for rejections these days. I feel upset and hopeless, though.

This period feels a lot like being in the water. I think that’s why I was very open to learning how to swim. Many days it seems as though I’m a small fish in an ocean, and I can’t swim. My coach's words on how to navigate water keep coming to mind - look down, relax your body, thread the water, look up, keep looking up. It’s interesting the parallels from swimming to real life. Or maybe I just miss swimming.

It’s summer, which means any excuse to be out, I take it. I wanted to add potatoes to my roasted plantain lunch, so I walked to Aldi to get some. On my way back, I had the weirdest and worrying interaction with a Moroccan-Italian man. Not all men, but always a man.

I’m not surprised when people stop to tell me I’m beautiful. I am. In fact, it’s one of the few things I have going for me now. He said it twice, and I thanked him and kept walking. I noticed he wanted to still talk to me. As much as a summer fling is in my plan, he wasn’t a candidate.

I thought he was good and gone, only for him to see him pull up in his truck in front of me. He parked, alighted, and started walking to me. He went ahead to ask for my number without as much as asking my name or mentioning his name, strike 1. Mentioned my beauty again. Then said he wanted to have sex with me and wouldn’t mind paying. Next thing, he’s reaching for my breast.

In all his foolish behavior, I keep thinking about how men are with what they want. They are so laser-focused on it, and they just go for it. That’s not the lesson from this, but it’s all I keep thinking about. You want something so bad, you don’t even overthink or overplan, or consider consequences. You just stretch out your scrawny hands and reach for it. That’s how I want to reach for things henceforth.

What baby's listening to:

Tay Iwar's voice has soundtracked a lot of my recent days. He has 2 new EPs out this year, and at Teju's grad reception, this song poured from the speakers. I found this live rendition of it, and it somehow sounds even better. He performs 2 songs, and I enjoyed the hell out of the instrument and voice transition to Part 2. Although it's a different song, the lyrics feel like a continuation of the first.